Goodbye My Lover
by viper209n
Summary: Tragedy strikes the Cohen house. Effecting them and their friends forever.
1. Too Soon

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Also I'm not completely sure why this is necessary. No one would believe I did own The O.C.

Okay Kirsten went to rehab but her dad is still alive. So it's basically the same except Caleb is alive and Jimmy didn't leave and go to Hawaii.

_---_

_I would rather live and love where death is king than have eternal life where love is not._

---

_Let me be your hero_

-------------------------

She sat at the table in their bedroom. She sipped her coffee while she thought. This was the last school year with her boys. They weren't even able to spend last summer with them. They had both left. This summer she had been in rehab. It seemed like just yesterday Seth had been asking why six times two was twelve and not eight. She missed that. She wished she could have had that with Ryan. Now they had girlfriends and didn't want to hang around the house with their parents. She couldn't blame them but still. She heard the water from the shower stop. She knew Sandy would be coming in and asking her what was wrong. Good she wanted someone to talk to. She was right. Sandy came into their room with board shorts and a t-shirt on. She smiled at his laziness. He should be getting ready for work. He walked over to her.

"Morning, beautiful." He said as he kissed her on her cheek. Sensing something is wrong, he sits beside her. "What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Yeah right." He smiled. Then becoming more serious, "You can tell me."

"It's just…" She paused and looked into her husband's eyes.

"Yeah…" He said persuading her to talk.

"It's just it's the last year with the boys and… I don't know… I just… I'm really going to miss them."

"Oh honey." Sandy said and came closer to her, wrapping his arms around her. "It'll be okay."

"You can say that. You've actually got to spend time with them and be there for them. Me? I was in rehab. The other times they either haven't been here or I've been to busy." She said with a slight squeak to her voice. She was on the verge of tears.

"Baby." Sandy comforted. "I'll fix it."

"How?" Kirsten questioned, however having no doubt that he would.

"I have my ways." Sandy answered. "It'll be okay." He leaned down to look in her eyes. "I promise." He left a kiss on her lips. "C'mon. Let's get some breakfast."

OoOoO

"Bye honey. I love you, too." Sandy yelled from the kitchen. Hearing the front door shut, he turned to Seth and Ryan.

"Uh-oh." Seth started.

"What?" Ryan mumbled with cereal in his mouth.

"Dad's gonna ask us to do something."

"How would you know that?" Ryan manages to ask without cereal spilling out of his mouth.

"He waited to hear the door shut." Seth stated. "He's gonna ask us to do something that he doesn't want Mom to know about."

"Maybe he was just making sure she made it out of the door safely." Ryan retorted.

"Yeah. No." Seth replied, smugly. "What is it, Dad?"

"I know it's a Friday…" Sandy began. Seth groaned. "…BUT I want you two to come to dinner with your mother and me. Out for like a family dinner sort of thing."

"Dad. Come on. A family dinner?" Seth questioned. "Do you know how dorky that's going to look on my rep?"

Ryan laughed. "What rep?" Seth swatted at him.

"Guys. Your mom is starting to think about your graduation and the two of you leaving for college."

"Yes. Out of Newport. On to bigger and better things." Seth proclaimed.

"Exactly, Seth. You're going to be leaving her. She feels like she never spends time with you two. You're away with your girlfriends and she's busy with work. So tonight we are going to go out for dinner and have nice conversation. Maybe a few jokes and be a unified family."

"Why do we have to do this tonight? It's Friday." Seth whined.

"Seth." Sandy warned.

"I'm up for it." Ryan suddenly said.

"What? Man. Now I've got no one on my side." Seth cried.

"Well, me and my family rarely had dinner together at the table inside our own home much less go to a restaurant together." Ryan stated.

"Great. Everyone is pulling the 'pity string' today." Seth groaned. "Fine. I'll go but Summer won't be too happy."

OoOoO

"What's this?" Kirsten asked as she walked into her house and saw the three men in their suits.

"We're taking you out to dinner." Sandy stated.

"Really?" She asked, her eyes twinkling.

"Yes, Mother. Go prepare yourself for a fun-filled evening with the three greatest men in the world." Seth stated.

Kirsten smiled. "Thank you, guys." She started toward the stairs giving Seth and Ryan a hug around the neck and a kiss on the cheek. She started up the stairs.

"Ha-ha. We got hugs and kisses and Dad didn't get nothing." Seth smirked.

"He gets his later." Kirsten yelled down the stairs. Seth groaned out loud while Ryan grimaced slightly. Sandy just smiled and laughed.

OoOoO

Dinner went great. The boys were the entertainment. Seth kept everyone laughing with his jokes. While Ryan gave some A+ glares. Everyone was having a great time. Ryan even made a few jokes. The food wasn't too bad either. This is exactly what Kirsten wanted. She wanted more of this. She excused herself and went to the bathroom. Sandy waited until she left to talk to the boys.

"Uh-oh." Seth said.

"What?" Ryan asked.

"Dad did it, again." Seth answered. "He waited for Mom to leave. We have to do something again."

"This is a little less work, Seth." Sandy stated.

Seth sighed. "Thank goodness."

"We're going to go for a walk on the beach. Don't worry you don't have to stay right with me and your mom. Actually here's some money you two can go to the pier and get some ice cream of something. Just leave me and your mother to ourselves. I've got something for her."

"Oh jeez, Dad. Not on the beach. Keep it in your trousers, scout." Seth groaned. Ryan glared at him.

"Okay son I promise. Not on the beach." Sandy said. "But I can't promise anything about what might happen tonight in our room."

"Daaaaad!" Seth groaned. Ryan just shook his head.

"Go start the car." Sandy chuckled as he threw the keys to Seth. As the boys left, Kirsten returned.

"Ready to go?" Sandy inquired as he held his arm out and wrapped it around her waist once she came close enough.

"I guess." Kirsten replied, not wanting the night to end.

Sandy read her mind. "Don't worry. The night's still young." He whispered into her ear. Kirsten's eyes lit up again. "I was thinking we could all go down to the beach."

---

_Would you dance  
If I asked you to dance?  
Would you run  
And never look back?  
Would you cry  
If you saw me crying?  
And would you save my soul, tonight?_

Sandy and Kirsten left their shoes in the car. The sand was soft beneath their feet and the beach was relatively deserted. Only a few people speckled the sands. The boys were already walking towards the pier. Kirsten leaned her head against Sandy's shoulder. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. As they walked slowly down the beach, a few clouds over the ocean could be heard rumbling with thunder.

"Thank you." She whispered. "I love you."

"I love you, too." He said.

Suddenly, a voice piped up from behind a shack. "Sandy Cohen." Sandy turned and saw only a shadow. Growing up in the Bronx caused Sandy to get a little paranoid. Shadows never meant anything good in the Bronx, especially if you were with a lady.

_Would you tremble  
If I touched your lips?  
Would you laugh?  
Oh please tell me this.  
Now would you die  
For the one you loved?  
Hold me in your arms, tonight._

'_But this isn't the Bronx. It's Newport.'_ Sandy reminded himself. '_That voice. It's familiar. I can't place it though. It's not Jimmy. Someone from the DA's office maybe?' _

"Yes?" he questioned.

"Remember me?" the voice asked.

"Not particularly. You sound familiar, though." Sandy answered as he got closer to the shadow, leaving Kirsten behind him waiting.

"I should. You're the crappy lawyer who defended me. Extremely badly, I might add. I was innocent but you just couldn't seem to prove it. You were too busy protecting Rebecca Bloom." The voice told Sandy. Rebecca. Gosh. Why did she always come back to bite him in the butt?

"Were you involved in the lab accident? I can't really remember you by the sound of your voice. Plus you're in the shadow." Sandy stated.

"Yeah I was involved. So involved that it hurt. And now… I'm gonna hurt you." The shadow fumbled with his hands. Sandy had no time to react before… _whoosh_ he had a gun pointed to his face. Kirsten gasped and threw her hands over her mouth. Sandy started to back up. The gun followed him. He put his hands up. The body behind the voice came into the moonlight. He had scars all over his face. Then it hit Sandy. Greg Bennett.

"Greg Bennett." Sandy repeated aloud.

"Yeah. You got it. Greg Bennett, the jury finds you guilty. We sentence you to 20 years in jail without possibility of parole. Yeah that was me. Thanks to my attorney, Sanford Cohen. As if this scaring on my face wasn't bad enough."

"Can't you just bury the hatchet?" Sandy pleaded. "I tried as hard as I could. It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been there and the evidence that you were is on your face." He regretted saying that as soon as it came out of his mouth.

"I tried to let it go. But when I got out no one would hire me. And I can't pay for reconstructive surgeries without money can I now? But you'll pay."

click

_I can be your hero, baby.  
I can kiss away the pain.  
I will stand by you forever.  
You can take my breath away._

Kirsten screeched and began to cry silently.

"C'mon Greg. You'll go to jail or worse if you shoot me. I can pay for surgery. C'mon think about this." Sandy cried.

"Oh I've had 20 years to think about it. You dying is the most satisfying thing I can think of. You've had the good life. You traded in Bloom for this goddess." Greg said motioning to Kirsten. He walked over and grabbed her. Tears were still in her eyes. "Have you had fun with him over these years?" Greg asked.

"Please don't…" Kirsten started. Greg stopped her by putting his lips to hers and forcing his tongue into her mouth. Anger rose in Sandy, giving Greg what he wanted. Kirsten was repulsed but slightly complied so as to not anger Greg further. He broke away from her and then shoved the barrel into her mouth. Tears began to form now in Sandy's eyes, as he whimpered for his lack of being able to help her. There wasn't much he could do. She meant the world to him; he couldn't risk her life. The tears fell.

"I bet you've had fun with her. Tell me Sandy, how is she?" Greg said as he tried to talk with his hands but the gun was still in Kirsten's mouth. Sandy looked down toward the sand at the extremely personal question.

Then he thought about it. They would never be able to make love again. He wouldn't be there to hold her afterwards. He wouldn't get to see her smile again. Would she be able to smile again? He didn't think that he could if the tables were turned. Tears ran down his face again as more thoughts of "Never again…" ran through his head.

The same things had been running through Kirsten's mind as soon as Greg had pulled that gun. She would never laugh at his banter again. He would never tell her she was amazing after they made love. Or any other time. She would never separate him and her dad from a fight. She wouldn't have anyone to be jealous about her anymore. She would have no one to be jealous about. This was too soon, too soon for either of them. They cried as they stared into each others eyes, reading the other's mind. Their eyes held each others' as their bodies wanted so desperately to hold the other. To wake up from this nightmare.

_Would you swear  
That you'll always be mine?  
Or would you lie?  
would you run and hide?  
Am I in too deep?  
Have I lost my mind?  
I don't care...  
You're here tonight._

"I never had this. I always wanted to get married. But YOU took that away from me!" The gun was forcing Kirsten mouth to bleed. She winced in pair as the tears streamed down her face.

"Leave her alone." Sandy said weakly. "You came here for me."

"For once you're right." Greg stated. With that, he threw Kirsten to the sand. She yelped slightly when she hit. Sandy moved toward her.

"Watch it, Sandy!" Greg yelled, re-pointing the gun toward Sandy. Kirsten mouthed, "DON'T" to Sandy to make him stop. She stood up from the sand. She looked back and forth from Sandy to Greg. She was in between them, though not in the way.

"Any last words, Sandy?" Greg asked. Kirsten whimpered again. Sandy looked over at her. Tears in his eyes. Better him than her but he didn't want her to be without him in this cruel world. Even in death, he didn't want to be without her.

_I can be your hero, baby.  
I can kiss away the pain.  
I will stand by you forever.  
You can take my breath away._

"Kirsten, baby. I love you more than anything. You've given me everything I've ever wanted." Sandy said through tears. "I love you." He whispered.

"I love you too, baby." She said. Tears ran down her face like they were racing. "So much." She whispered.

"See… this is what I wanted! I wanted LOVE. I wanted a wife. But no! You had to take it away from me! Do you know how hard dating becomes when you've been in prison? When your face looks like this?" He was beginning to ramble. He noticed this and set his mind on the right track. "Now you're just annoying me. It's time to do what I came here for." Greg yelled. "Goodbye, Sandy."

He was still staring into Kirsten's eyes. Tears were pouring out of both sets of eyes. Understanding what was about to happen.

"Noo!" Kirsten screamed. She couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't just stand there watching. The goodbyes had been too much for her. She couldn't be away from him for any longer. She jumped towards him and that's when she felt it. Pain worse than before. That was just emotional this… this was physical. The only bullets she had ever felt before were verbal. These were extremely real. Pain roared throughout her entire body. Her eyes met Sandy's. His were looking at her with pain and shock. He could only watch as his wife took his bullets. He looked into her eyes and saw the physical pain going through her body. But he couldn't see any regret in them. She staggered toward Sandy and went into his arms, as her legs quickly lost their strength. They both fell to the sand. He cradled her in his lap. She looked up at him, her eyes glazing over and becoming sleepy. They heard a crash of glass.

_Oh, I just want to hold you.  
I just want to hold you.  
Am I in too deep?  
Have I lost my mind?  
Well I don't care...  
You're here tonight._

"Mom?" Seth squeaked. The sight of his parents like that scared him. He backed away until he hit the shack and then he slid down and pulled his legs to him and whimpered. He rocked himself and squeezed his eyes tightly shut. He told himself everything was going to be fine.

"Sandy?" Ryan whimpered.

"Call 911, Ryan." Sandy told him.

As the pain racked her body, Kirsten clenched her jaw tightly and groaned. "Tell Seth I love him and was always so proud. Tell him to keep drawing. He's so good at it." She whispered to Sandy, unaware of her son's location. Sandy was shaking his head at her.

"This isn't it. It can't be." He told her.

"Tell Ryan…"

"I'm here," Ryan piped up.

"Ryan," Kirsten smiled. "I love you. I'm so proud of you. Keep your fists to yourself." She smiled. "Keep an eye on Seth. Thank you for being such a good friend… brother to him." She paused to emphasize her gratitude. "And take care of Sandy." She finished.

Ryan and Sandy made eye contact. Tears running down both the tough men's face. Ryan was searching in Sandy for something to tell him it was going to be okay but all he got was confusion and doubt. Ryan couldn't handle it. Since they had first met, Sandy had always been in control. Ryan couldn't imagine a world where Sandy wasn't in control or attempting to be. The way Sandy had just looked scared Ryan. It was almost hopeless and definitely scared. Terrified. Ryan went to try to comfort Seth. It was Kirsten's wish after all.

_I can be your hero, baby.  
I can kiss away the pain.  
I will stand by you forever.  
You can take my breath away.  
I can be your hero.  
I can kiss away the pain.  
And I will stand by you forever.  
You can take my breath away.  
You can take my breath away._

"Sandy…" She began. Her voice barely a whisper.

"Yes, baby?" Sandy asked, desperation evident in both his voice and his eyes.

"I love you."

"I love you too." Sandy whimpered. Tears fell from his face to hers. He quickly brushed them away.

"I'm going to miss you." She said.

"Don't talk like that. You're going to make it. You have to. You're going to be fine." Sandy reassured her.

"Sandy…"

"No. You have to be there for their graduation. And grandkids. And me. How can I grow older without you here?"

"Take care of our boys."

"Not without you"

"Sandy…" She tried but just coughed. It was blood.

"Baby..." He whimpered and cried even harder.

"I love you." She said. She grabbed his face and pulled his face closer to hers. He kissed her lips. "I love you." She whispered.

"_I_ love _you_." He whispered with emphasis.

A small, sleepy, playful smile spread across her face. She whispered. "I love you more." Sandy was about to respond when Kirsten's eyes became glossy and her eyelids flickered shut beyond her control. She fell limp in his arms, however remained clinging to him. At the feeling, Sandy's eyes got wide and his breathing became erratic.

"Baby? No. Come back. Talk to me some more. C'mon baby. Don't do this." He was shaking her lightly. He then wrapped his arms around her and rocked her. "Don't leave me." He yelled. The silence persisted and Sandy put his head down and whispered into her ear. "Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Please." With no response, he just sat there, crying and rocking his wife.

_I can be your hero._


	2. Too Late

Thanks for the reviews. This is Seth and Ryan's view of what happened.

**Disclaimer: **Still not mine.

_It's another families' turn to die. _

And I see no bravery,  
No bravery in your eyes anymore.  
Only sadness.  
No Bravery, James Blunt

"Chocolate Chip. No, no, no. _Mint _Chocolate Chip. No, no, no. Americana berry. No."

"Seth! Pick one." Ryan demanded as he took a lick of his pistachio.

"It's a delicate process. I can't just run into it like you did. Look what you ended up with!" Seth shuddered. _'Pistachio. In the words of Summer, EW!' _He thought.

"HEY! I like pistachio." Ryan defended.

"Thank you." Seth said as he grabbed his ice cream from the annoyed man behind the counter.

"After all that, you got simple vanilla?" Ryan groaned.

"Yeah." Seth said, missing Ryan's point. Ryan just shook his head. _'Typical Seth.'_ The boys stood there eating their ice cream. Out of the corner of his eye, Ryan saw Seth's cone drop to the ground sending it everywhere.

"Dude. Watch it." Ryan said stooping down to wipe some of the ice cream off his shoes. Seth remained quiet. _'Odd.' _Ryan thought. He stood up and saw Seth's face. All the color had run out of it and he was staring straight ahead. Ryan followed his eyes and what he saw nearly made him throw up. There were Sandy and Kirsten… and someone holding a gun to Sandy. Ryan got his phone out of his pocket and dialed 911. Seth was still standing in the same position Ryan had found him. It wasn't right for him to see this. No kid should see their parents being threatened with death but Seth had to, he couldn't take his eyes away. He heard Ryan talking on the phone. While Ryan was talking Seth was watching, watching this man put hands on his mother. Put his lips on hers, and then shove the gun in her mouth. Not his mom. Not the best woman in his life. _'Mom!' _he screamed in him mind. Nothing seemed to register until Ryan hung up.

"They said to stay here until they get here." Ryan stated. "But I can't do that."

Seth looked at him like a scared puppy. What was Ryan going to do exactly? Seth didn't think he carried a gun. He _was_ from Chino but in Newport thought to have a gun.

"You stay here. I'm going to go knock the life out of that guy." Ryan said as he picked up a big glass bottle someone had discarded in the trash can.

"I'm going with you." Seth said hoarsely.

"Are you sure?" Ryan asked. Seth just nodded his confirmation. He couldn't just stand there. He didn't know what he was going to do when he got there but being on the pier wasn't an option. They ran down trying to be as silent as possible. Ryan cursed the sand under his breath. Almost there. Then he heard the bang of the gun. It was unmistakable. It was a sound Ryan was all too familiar with. It echoed within his body as his thoughts screamed at him._ 'NO! NO! It can't be. I'm too late. I'm too late!' _Ryan's thoughts screamed. That's when he saw the man with the gun and that was all he could see. Ryan reared the bottle back and swung it with full force at the man's head. It shattered and Ryan knew the man was out cold. He looked over toward Sandy and Kirsten and his heart sank.

"Mom?" Seth cried. _'NO! Mommy, no! Why?' _Seth backed up and made contact with the shack. The tears filled his eyes. Why was this happening? What was happening? His mom couldn't die. She had to see him graduate and she was supposed to cry and embarrass him with a big kiss on the cheek. He pulled his legs close to him, rocking himself like his mom used too. Before he had gotten to old and "cool" for it. He cursed himself for not spending more time with her. _'Please God let her make it so I can show her how much I do love her. Please' _Seth prayed. He shut his eyes as the tears burnt down his face. He shoved his head into his arms. _'Everything's going to be fine. She'll make it.' _He told himself.

"Sandy?" Ryan squeaked as if to ask what's wrong. But he knew. _'NO! Not Kirsten. She's going to make it. She has to. My other mom already left me. Not again. Don't leave me! You can't leave! Think of Seth… and Sandy. Don't DO THIS!' _He wanted to yell this at her but knew it wouldn't help anything.

"Call 911, Ryan." Sandy demanded. That's right. Where were they? Ryan called again. This time he wasn't as calm. The operator picked up the phone.

"State your emergency."

"My mom's been shot." Ryan chocked out between tears, shocking himself. Seth looked up at Ryan when he said those words. Ryan made eye contact with him. Both boys' eyes were red and puffy. As they stared at each other, their years shed off of them and they were only little boys now. And they were scared to death. Kirsten groaned breaking the trance they were in. Seth watched as his mother gritted her teeth from the pain.

"Tell Seth. Tell him I love him and was always so proud. Tell him to keep drawing. He's so good at it." She said, not realizing he could here her. Seth saw his dad shake his head at her.

"This isn't it. It can't be." Sandy told her. Seth thought to himself, _'Mom always loved art. She was so good at it too. NO NO! She IS good at it! She's not leaving! Mom!' _Seth put his head in his arms again and cried. He rocked back and forth, telling himself everything was going to be okay.

"Tell Ryan…"

"I'm here," Ryan piped up. He kneeled beside her.

"Ryan," Kirsten smiled. "I love you. I'm so proud of you. Keep your fists to yourself." She smiled. "Keep an eye on Seth. Thank you for being such a good friend… brother to him." She paused. "And take care of Sandy."

Ryan couldn't speak. She loved him? Had he ever heard that from anyone besides Marissa? He looked to Sandy. They made eye contact. Tears ran down both of the tough men's face. Ryan searched through Sandy's eyes for something to tell him that everything was going to be okay. He wanted to see the bravery that Sandy always had during a frightening time. It wasn't there; however, it was replaced with sadness, confusion, and doubt. This was too much for Ryan. He turned away biting back tears and went to try to comfort Seth. It was Kirsten's wish after all.

He sat down beside Seth with an arm over Seth's back, which was quickly rising and falling. He watched Sandy and Kirsten say their possible forever goodbyes. Her last words of the night, "I love you more," and Sandy's reaction were enough to break even Caleb Nichol's heart, Ryan was willing to bet. If she… died… how were they going to cope? How could they? How could Sandy? He lived for Kirsten. Now it was all up in the air. "Where is that ambulance?" was the thought that ran through Ryan's mind over and over again as he watched Sandy rock his limp wife. He was whispering something to her and crying. Where is that ambulance?

_I'm so cold from fear.  
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.  
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.  
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain._

_Tears and Rain, James Blunt_


	3. Regrets

**Disclaimer: I don't own The O.C.**

Thanks for the awesome reviews. I hope you all like it. I was going to write one and two together but it was just too long so I decided to make it two.

_I'm not afraid of dying,  
but I am afraid of losing you. _

_Maybe I'm addicted,  
I'm out of control,  
but you're the drug  
that keeps me from dying.  
Maybe I'm a liar,  
but all I really know is  
you're the only reason I'm trying._

_Addicted by Enrique Iglesias_

Sandy was at the hospital. That he knew. How he got there exactly, however, was all a blur. Flashing lights, stretchers, handcuffs, and a heart breaking defibrillator. All he could distinctly remember was her. Lying there in his lap, bleeding. Her crying or maybe it was him crying. He couldn't remember. He watched them carry her away. Rip her clothes so they could use the defibrillator.

"_I love you more."_

Those last words. They bit away at him. He was supposed to be shot, not her. He had been at fault, not her. _'NOT HER!' _He was yelling in his mind. This couldn't be happening. This was the most pain he had EVER felt. He hadn't even been touched by Greg. Greg had forced his lips onto Kirsten's, shoved that gun into her mouth, and then shot her. Why did she have to be punished? She didn't do anything. _'Why?' _He asked himself feebly. He felt the tears swell in his eyes. '_Too Soon.' _He sat with his head in his hands, praying she would be okay.

Ryan had guided the police and paramedics to what needed to be done. Told them the story he knew, which turns out wasn't much. Sandy couldn't do it, Ryan knew. It was too soon for him, in every way. The police tried to question Sandy. Ryan stopped them. They couldn't do that to him. Everything was too dramatic. Ryan had to step up to the plate though. He could hold what he was truly feeling in better than the Cohen men. So he did what he needed to. He helped Seth up from the ground, despite his reservations. Moving would make it too real. He drove them to the hospital. He called Caleb. He did everything and still he felt like he didn't do enough.

Bang. _'NO! NO! It can't be. I'm too late. I'm too late!'_

Ryan remembered it so vividly. It kept replaying in his mind. _'I was too late! Too late!'_ She had to make it. Right? She has to. He didn't know what was going to happen if she wasn't.

"_Ryan," Kirsten smiled. "I love you. I'm so proud of you. Keep your fists to yourself." She smiled. "Keep an eye on Seth. Thank you for being such a good friend… brother to him." She paused. "And take care of Sandy."_

Those were her last words to him. She had said what Ryan wanted to hear his whole life. Hear and believe. _I love you. _Kirsten had said that to him in the way only a mother could. He knew that she really meant it. It wasn't a case of 'I'll only say this since I'm dying.' No. It had been lingering there for a long time now. He had known it before she said it. It was a given. Ryan Atwood was Kirsten Cohen's son.

_Take care of Sandy. _How was he going to do that? He didn't know if he could. He remembered looking up into Sandy's eyes after she had said that. He couldn't grasp the look he was given. Full of insecurities and doubts and disbelief. That was too much. So Ryan sat beside Seth trying to give him comfort. He had failed miserably. Ryan thought it would be better from the sidelines looking in. However, the show Sandy and Kirsten were putting on was enough to make a statue cry. Now he was sitting at the hospital, waiting for the news. Marissa would occasionally stroke his back for comfort that he wasn't receiving. He couldn't sit still. He was constantly fidgeting, pacing, doing something. But mainly waiting. Waiting. Waiting. And that was killing him.

Seth wasn't doing well. He hadn't said anything for---. What time was it? He didn't care. Too long. It seemed like days that he hadn't said anything. Then again he didn't have much to say. Nothing mattered. His mom was fighting for her life. He was sitting there like a zombie, looking straight forward and eyes focused on nothing. Saying nothing. Seeing nothing. Feeling nothing. Nothing besides pain. And fear. And doubt. Summer had her hand in his and was holding onto his arm. But she knew there was nothing she could do that would help him.

"_Tell Seth I love him and was always so proud."_

Why hadn't he shown her love more? He did love her. She knew that. Didn't she? He didn't do a great job of showing it. He had even complained about doing this tonight, which had turned out to be nice until… But he should want to spend time with his mother. She gave him life.

"_Tell him to keep drawing. He's so good at it."_

Seth remembered when he was younger bringing home paintings and drawings from art class. She was always so proud of his drawings, putting them on anything that would hold a magnet. They covered her office and she claimed they were better than any gift she had ever gotten. So Seth tried to do something artistic for every gift he gave her and she never ran out of room to display them. She probably still had them stored somewhere.

She was also very artistic. _'NO! She still IS! She's not going anywhere! She can't leave!' _Seth shouted in his mind. Now he was getting a headache. The tears started streaming down his face again. That's when he realized even though he was growing up and would be graduating soon, he still needed his mommy. But he hadn't taken the time to realize that before. He had taken her for granted. And now, he was losing her.

'_This can't be happening.' _Caleb thought to himself. His daughter couldn't be dying. She was too young to die. His head was full of questions. How did this happen? Why did this happen? He was sure Sandy had something to do with this. Caleb sure wasn't expecting that call tonight. Or any night. This wasn't supposed to happen in Newport. This is what happened when a person from the inside trusted someone from the outside and brought them in. But he had known right away that something was wrong. Ryan had called him and that was a bad sign right off the bat. Then Ryan had told him the news. Told him what had happened. Told him that his daughter was in the hospital. Told him that his princess had been shot. Shot? That didn't register in Caleb's mind. How could she have been shot? Who would shoot Kirsten Nichol? He had tried to ask questions but was hung up on. Caleb got Julie, Julie got Marissa, and Marissa called Jimmy and Summer, only telling them that something was wrong and they were needed at the hospital. That's all it took.

Not much had been said between anyone except Caleb asking questions to doctors and nurses and his son-in-law. Most went unanswered, especially questions asked to the latter party. Julie had finally gotten him to settle down and sit. They were all shook with the silence.

Except for the three. Ryan, Seth, and Sandy. It wasn't quiet for them. Their minds were loud with thoughts.

'_Too Soon'_

'_Too Late'_

'_Mom' _

_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now_

_And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight_

_And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
When everything seems like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive_

_Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls_

Finally, the doctor came out. Sandy stood up and nearly fell back down. His legs were like spaghetti. He gathered his remaining strength and walked toward the doctor. Caleb jumped up immediately, his stance demanding answers, his heart terrified of receiving them. Unable to stand but not to far away to hear, Seth looked at the doctor, listening in anticipation for the answer for everyone's question. Ryan had been sitting between Sandy and Seth. He stood and shuffled to stand next to the wall but still behind Sandy, knowing how desperate his foster father was. Everyone else stayed where they were, frightened of the possibilities of devastating responses to their complex crisis.

"I'm so sorry." The doctor started. "We tried as hard as we could. _Did. Everything_ we could. But she didn't make it."

Sandy's world stopped. His heart immediately broke as soon as his ears heard the words, before his mind had time to fully comprehend what this revelation held. The doctor's words echoed in his mind. _"Sorry. Didn't make it. Tried." _Their life together flashed before his eyes. "I'm Kirsten Nichol." "Sandy Cohen." flash "Will you marry me?" "YES!" flash "I'm pregnant!" flash "Ryan. Staying with us." flash Bang! flash "I love you more." flash She was gone.

Tears filled Sandy's eyes. This can't be happening. He heard Caleb yell and turned to see him walking off. He turned to his right and saw the group crying. Seth once again in a ball; Summer trying to comfort him. Then he saw Ryan still standing behind him. Mouth slightly open in disbelief, eyes showing incomprehension. Sandy looked to Julie, to Jimmy, to Marissa. Everything was getting blurry. He couldn't hear anything. His mouth was dry, he was dizzy. He was nauseous.

"Kirsten…" he whispered sadly. Then his world went dark.

_It's unfair.  
This is what it means to be held.  
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life  
And you survive._

Held by Natalie Grant


	4. Reality

Wow. Thanks for the reviews. Keep them coming, por favor.

_To think that only yesterday,  
I was cheerful, bright and gay.  
Looking forward to, and who wouldn't do,  
The role I was about to play.  
But as if to knock me down,  
Reality came around,  
And without so much as a mere touch,  
Cut me into little pieces.  
Leaving me to doubt, all about God and His mercy,  
Oh, if He really does exist,  
Why did He desert me?  
And in my hour of need,  
I truly am, indeed,  
Alone again, naturally._

_Alone Again, Naturally By Gilbert O Sullivan_

Sandy groaned. He scrunched his eyes, keeping them shut. _NO! _He shouted in his mind. He breathed in, immediately his nose was filled with her scent. Her shampoo, he loved that smell. He loved her so much. Then it came to him. It was a dream. She wasn't really gone! He opened his eyes. She was laying right there beside him. It was a dream! Oh thank God! He didn't know what he was going to do without her. She looked so peaceful. So beautiful. He kissed her arms up to her neck to her jaw to her cheek to her forehead. He kissed her lips faintly. It didn't wake her though. Funny, that always seemed to do the trick, at least she was still here.

"Kirsten…" he said quietly, trying to wake her. He had to look into her eyes, hold her to him, have her tell him it was just a dream. Tell him everything was going to be okay. He put hands on her arms and shook her gently. What was wrong? He stared at her and then realized… she wasn't breathing.

"KIRSTEN!" He yelled. "SETH! RYAN!" He tried to yell again. Nothing came out. He couldn't breathe. His world went dark again, as he was thrust into pitch black.

They took Sandy into a small room, waiting for him to come to. Once they had relieved Ryan of his body, Ryan turned around and punched the cinderblock wall. This wasn't fair. Didn't she know what she was leaving? Didn't she care? Didn't she know they couldn't live without her? He put his head to the wall and cried. He kept pounding the wall until he couldn't muster up strength to hit it again and he left his hand there.

Seth had gone back to rocking. His crying was heavier now that he was officially without a mother. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't live without her. He needed her too much. He loved her to much. This wasn't fair.

Everyone else was crying. Caleb had left. Jimmy was now trying to comfort Julie and Marissa since he was sitting in the middle of them. Summer was trying to comfort Seth but she wasn't his mom and that's what he wanted.

The doctor summoned Ryan. Something about Sandy. He went in and saw Sandy squirming with his eyes closed. Poor Sandy. Tears still streaming down his face even though he wasn't awake. Ryan wasn't sure how exactly Sandy was going to take all this. By the looks of things right now, Ryan's guess was not very well.

Then it was bright. SO bright. Sandy squinted in the light. He saw an outline of something. Someone. It was her. Then he knew what was happening. He watched her come into focus. She was still bright. She looked so angelic. Her face came close to his and he looked deep into her eyes. She was so peaceful. Tears began to fall down his face. _No. Baby, tell me it's not so. _She put her hand to his cheek. He knew what was happening. He was dreaming. But he wasn't going to stop it. 'Don't leave me!' He whispered. She mouthed "I love you" and blew him a kiss. 'NO!' He pleaded. 'This can't be the end.' He whispered. He watched as her outline left and it just became a light in his eye. But the light wasn't going away. _What?_

It was the doctor shining the light in his eye trying to get him to follow it. Ryan was standing beside him.

"He's back." The doctor said quietly but trying to make it somewhat cheery.

"Tell me it was a dream. Please…" Sandy whimpered as tears fell. "Tell me it was a dream, Ryan." Ryan just looked at him sadly, not knowing how to tell him. Of course that told Sandy everything.

"I have to…" Sandy got up from the bed. "I've gotta go…" Sandy motioned w/ his hands and then disappeared out the door. Ryan heard the men's room door swing open and then slam shut. In the back of Ryan's mind, something told him that this was the beginning of the end. Ryan tried to push it away but he knew that it was somewhat true.

Sandy ran into the bathroom and vomited all the dinner he had eaten. He was surprised he hadn't earlier. He let go of the toilet and sat with his back against the wall. This couldn't be real. Why was this happening? He began to cry again. He yelled out. "NO!" He wanted her in his arms. "NO." He wanted to kiss her lips. "No." He wanted to tell her everything was fine. "no." It got meeker as he said it. Soon he was whispering it. His back rapidly went up and down as he went into a crying fit. He took a deep gasping breath and released it at once in screaming. "AAAAH!" He couldn't take it. His head fell at the tears kept coming. His wife was dead. She was gone. She couldn't come back. He felt so lost. So he sat there.

Ryan came in the bathroom and saw Sandy sitting there. He looked so defeated. Ryan went over to him.

"They said that if you want to say goodbye you can." Ryan nearly whispered.

"Okay." Sandy managed. He got off the floor and started to go toward the door. He swung it open and the light hurt his eyes. He went to check on Seth.

"Hey buddy." He said as Summer moved so Sandy could sit down. He put his arm over his son's back. Seth was hunched over, head in hands, arms on knees. He had stopped crying and was staring at the square tile on the floor, thinking. About her. About her kissing his boo-boos and kissing his tears away. Telling him everything would be okay. Scaring away Mr. Fred the monster in his closet. Making him soup when he was sick. Trying so hard to learn how to play those video games. But he had told her to just give up it wasn't working. He was just kidding not being mean and she knew it. But now he wished he had tried to teach her. He wished he had done more with her. Wished he hadn't ran off that summer. Wished he could be sure that she knew that he loved her. That she was the most important woman in his life. Seeing his dad had brought the tears back to his eyes.

"She sure did love you." Sandy told Seth. That was too much. Seth threw his head into his father's chest and cried. Sandy tried to comfort his son but it just wasn't working.

"I'm going to go see her one last time do you want to come?" Sandy asked Seth. Seth shook his head "yes" slightly. Too much movement and he was going to be in the bathroom like his dad had been. Sandy looked to Ryan asking the same thing. Ryan gave him the look of "yes." So they walked down the hallway looking completely lost and defeated.

_When all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through_

_Move Along by The All American rejects_


	5. Goodbyes

_One hand, one heart, __  
__Even death won't part us now_

_West Side Story_

_0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o_

_When you try your best but you don't succeed  
When you get what you want but not what you need  
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep  
Stuck in reverse_

As Sandy walked down that hallway, he thought about her. Her face. This was one of the last times he would see it, depending on funeral decisions. Funeral? Was he really going to have to do that? Bury his wife? He didn't want to think about the inevitable.

Her smile. He'd never see it again, except in pictures. He would never put it on her face with one of his antics. Would his antics even exist anymore? She was the reason for everything he did. He wasn't even sure he could laugh again.

Her laugh. Oh! How he loved her laugh! He loved to hear it. He loved to cause it even more. He would never hear her laugh again, except in his memories.

Then they came to the room she was in. Sandy was suddenly brought back to reality and stopped his sons.

"I don't want your last memory of your mother to be of her like this." Sandy told them. He then hung his head and softly said. "And neither would she."

Seth spoke up. "If this isn't, then it'll be you rocking her in your arms. This way I get to say goodbye." He passed his dad and his brother and went toward his mother.

Sandy wondered to himself. _Is this who my son's going to become? Logical thinking and slow speaking? Seth? _That was an oxy moron. Ryan and Sandy stayed in the doorway to give Seth a sense of both privacy and protection. Ryan hung his head as Sandy stared blankly ahead.

_When the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you can't replace  
When you love someone but it goes to waste   
could it be worse?_

Seth walked toward the table his mother was lying on. It was cold and impersonal. Definitely not something for his mother. She was pale and she wasn't moving. _Of course not DA she's dead. _Dead? Seth realized that he had to come to grips with it. He gritted his teeth and closed his eyes, not believing what he was about to do. Say goodbye to his mother.

"Hey Mom. Don't talk just listen." He kicked himself on the inside. "Sorry that's not funny. I'll just get to the point. I love you… and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you or show you more. I'm sorry I ran away that summer." He picks up her hand. "I love you, Mommy. Please don't do this. Please don't leave me. I need you, Mom. Ryan needs you. Dad needs you. I'll put up with your PDA if you please come back." His eyes fill up with tears. "I don't know how we can go on without you." He bends down and kisses her cheek. "I love you, Mom. Thank you for everything." He squeezes her hand and a few tears escape. He puts her hand back down on the cold table and sniffles. He strokes her arm and turns to leave. Leave his mother for the last time. He walks to the door and looks into his father's eyes. Ryan began to move toward Kirsten. Sandy puts his hand on Seth's back and pulls him into a hug. He held onto Seth tightly as they both sobbed for a moment. Seth then pulled his head up tiredly. His eyes full of sadness.

"I'm gonna--- go." Seth said as he motioned with his hands and slowly left the room to go sit back down with Summer.

_Lights will guide you home  
and ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you  
_

Ryan walked cautiously toward the table Kirsten was lying on. He hesitated, not knowing exactly how to do this or how to say what he was feeling. He was never one for talking. Not until Kirsten let him into the Cohen house, things changed then.

"Kirsten. Thank you…for everything. Thanks for letting me into your home. Thank you for being a mom to me. I'm sorry I didn't say this to you when you were still here." He paused. "I'm sorry that I was too late. If I was quicker..." His eyes filled with tears. "I'm so sorry." He began to quietly cry. Sandy comes behind him and puts a hand on his back. Ryan turns and tosses his head into Sandy's chest.

High up above or down below  
when you too in love to let it go  
If you never try you'll never know  
Just what your worth

"Shh. It's okay." Sandy attempts to sooth Ryan.

"It was my fault!" Ryan cried.

"No! It wasn't."

"If I had gotten there faster, she would still be here."

"Son. Calm down. This was not your fault." Sandy said. _It was mine._

Ryan pulled his head up and wiped his eyes clear, sniffling. He turned back towards Kirsten.

"I love you… Mom." He smoothed her hair back, behind her ears. A lone tear fell on the table. To Ryan, it let out a loud ping. His world had melted away for now. The room he, Sandy and Kirsten were in was all his world consisted of right now. This was the second time he had lost a mom. The first one hurt but this one… This one was unbearable. Sandy's hand on his back again brought Ryan back to Earth.

_Lights will guide you home  
and ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you_

Ryan looked into Sandy's eyes. They were now empty. No light, no joy, no hope. Ryan couldn't even tell if they were still blue. Certainly not the deep blue that Sandy used to have. Now they were dull and lifeless they frightened Ryan, as if they were foreshadowing what would happen without Kirsten. Ryan left the room with his head hung low, shuffling his feet. A few tears escaping his eyes.

_Tears stream down your face  
When you lose something you cannot replace   
Tears streaming down your face and I_

_Tears stream down your face  
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes   
Tears stream down your face and I_

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you

"_Fix You" by Coldplay_

Sandy watched Ryan leave. Then he pulled a chair as close to the table as he could. He sat down and took her left hand in his. He stroked her hair and cheek. He played with her wedding rings, as his tears fell. His beautiful wife… gone. His head fell as he still held her hand. He closed his eyes and thought about heir life together. When they had met, the first time he kissed her, his proposal, his heart beating wildly as she came down the aisle, their first time as husband and wife, breaking the news to him that she was pregnant, telling him that Ryan was staying. He quietly wept as the memories flooded back. He began thinking of what she would miss. The boys' graduation, their marriages, grandchildren, Seth's parental strategies, having the house to themselves. He would have no one to grow old with.

_The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your eyes.  
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave,  
To the dark and the endless sky, my love.  
And the first time ever I kissed your mouth,  
I felt the earth move through my hands.  
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird  
That was there at my command._

And the first time ever I lay with you,  
I felt your heart so close to mine.  
And I know our joy would fill the earth,  
And last till the end of time, my love.

The first time ever I saw your face.

"_The First Time Ever I Saw your Face" By Johnny Cash (a lot of ppl sing it though)_

Sandy picked his head up and looked at his wife. She lay there lifelessly. Sandy longed for her eyes to open and expose those blue pearls he loves so much. But she doesn't. He wanted her to throw her arms wound his neck and hug him. But she didn't. He wanted her to open her mouth and say those three little words he loved to hear. But she didn't. She can't. Sandy rubs her closed eyelids with his thumbs. He runs his pointer finger down her nose. He cups her face with his hands and strokes her closed lips with his thumb. He stares at her and then breaks down. He pulls her body close and hugs her. He ignored that fact that she's cold and that she doesn't respond to it. He presses his face into her hair and sobs. Some of his tears hit the table and some soak into her hair. Sandy breathes in and is overwhelmed with her scent, as well as grief. She smells like a mixture of things. Not like she usually smells. That smells in there but it's overpowered by other things like sand, her attacker, and her blood. He begins to plead with her.

_If I could take this moment forever  
Turn the pages of my mind  
To another place and time  
We would never say goodbye_

"Baby. Please. Don't let this be the end." His tears fall as he whimpers to her. "Don't leave me. Don't make me do this alone. Please." He breathes in more of her scent. "Baby. Come back. Come back. Please. Baby. Don't go." His voice begins to break. "This isn't fair. It's too soon. Baby. Please." He begins to whisper. "no, no. comeback. please."

_If I could find the words I would speak them  
Then I wouldn't be tongue-tied  
When I looked into your eyes  
We would never say goodbye_

He stood there, holding onto her, hugging what was left of her. He closed his eyes and cried, occasionally pressing his cheek against hers. He stood there for what seemed like forever. Then he felt a hand on his back. It was light and dainty. Then another. This one heavier and stern. He knew that they were telling him that it was time to go. If he could, Sandy would have stayed there forever. He stopped the tears and tried to get his breathing steady, savoring the last few moments holding her. He eased off of her, having to rest at certain parts to put his head against hers and regain his balance. Plus, to make sure that he didn't have a breakdown again.

_If I could stop the moon ever rising  
Day would not become the night  
Wouldn't feel this cold inside  
And we'd never say goodbye_

He finally stood up completely and looked down at her, seeing the tear stains he had left. He looked to his left at Julie and then to his right at Jimmy. Both gave him a solemn look of remorse. Now Sandy had to begin the last step of saying goodbye. He looked down at her again. Her diamond ring shining as bright as ever. Sandy took it as a symbol of their love, shining bright as ever. He took her left hand in his and held it so their rings touched. He looked down at them and smiled faintly. He put her hand to his cheek and looked down at her face.

_I wish that our dreams were frozen  
Then our hearts would not be broken  
When we let each other go..._

"''Til death do us part." He said to her quietly. He paused. "Never…" He kissed her hand and shook his head. "…never." He kissed her hand again and stroked it against his cheek. He reluctantly put her hand down. He slowly grabbed the blanket to finish his goodbye. He inched the blanket over her body but stopped once he got to her face. He put the blanket down and took a deep breath. He cupped her face in his hands and pressed his forehead to hers. He looks at her closed eyes. His lips quivered and his eyes started to fill with tears. He kissed both her eyelids softly. Then he kissed her little button nose like he had done so many times before. He then moved to her lips. He kissed them softly and long in desperation.

_If I could steal this moment forever  
Paint a picture-perfect smile  
So our story stayed alive  
We would never say goodbye_

"Never Say Goodbye" By Hayley Westenra

"I love you." And that's what finally broke Sandy's heart in two. Because even when they were angry at each other, even when they were passed out, if one of them said those three words the other would reciprocate them. Those three words broke all barriers: alcohol, anger, sleep. It never went unanswered. Until now. She would never tell him that again. He closed his eyes in defeat and a few more tears flew freely down to hit the table or whatever they came into contact with first. He finally opened them.

"And I'll love you forever." He squeaked quietly. He searched her face as tears tried to leave. He closed his eyes and kissed her one last, long, sad kiss, as the tears fell in abundance. He rested his forehead on hers and whispered "forever" once more. He then set her head down softly and stroked her hair one last time. He looked down at her and grabbed the blanket. He gritted his teeth and pulled it slowly over her face. He placed his hand gently over the blanket where it was on her face and ran it down her body. He leaned back to take in the whole picture and looked at the blanket his wife was underneath. He bit his lip and clenched his hands on the edge of the table, fighting tears. He mouthed, "Forever." He took some deep breaths to settle down, lest he pass out again. He didn't know where to go from here. He slowly began to walk away with Jimmy and Julie. Each step was tougher than the last. He made it to the door. Suddenly, he grabbed the doorframe with one hand and put his forehead on it to steady himself, shedding tears and taking deep breaths. He glanced over to look at Kirsten one last time. She was still as he left her. At the sight, his legs gave way slightly and he pushed his nose into the doorframe. This was really it. He composed himself again and stood straight up. With Jimmy and Julie's hands on his back, Sandy began to walk toward the exit. Leaving his wife behind. He walked very slowly, shuffled his feet. He was slowly losing interest in life. He resembled a homeless puppy, which was slightly true. Kirsten was his home and now she was gone forever.

_0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o_

_Goodbye may seem forever,  
Farewell is like the end.  
But in my heart's the memory,  
And that's where you'll always be._

The Fox and The Hound

**Sorry if there's too many songs but I just couldn't help it. Please review. I love to hear what y'all think and want to see happen.**


	6. Memories

_Oh where oh were could my baby be  
The lord took her away from me  
She's gone to heaven so I've got to be good  
So I can see my baby when I'll leave this world_

Sandy walked down the hallway unsure of the impending turmoil ahead of him. They came to the waiting room. Julie noticed Sandy's questioning eyes.

"I told Marissa to take them home." Julie paused and then corrected herself. "To my house. You guys are going to stay with us."

"Are you sure we should keep them in a house together?" Sandy asked. After all, they were dating.

"Summer will be at her house and given the situation, I don't think that's going to be a problem." Julie said softly.

"What about clothes?" Sandy asked, dryly.

Julie hadn't thought of that. "I'm sure Marissa and Summer wouldn't mind grabbing some of the guys' things." Julie stated, taken aback at how rationally Sandy was thinking.

"Well I guess I've got to get my stuff so I might as well get their stuff, too." Sandy said shakily.

"Oh, Sandy. You're not ready for that. We can take care of it." Julie told him.

"I can't ask you to do that." Sandy practically whispered.

"That's what friends are for, man." Jimmy spoke up.

"Thanks." Sandy said. They walked out of the hospital and got into Julie's car. "Do you mind if we go somewhere before your house, Julie?" He asked as he got into the backseat. Julie and Jimmy exchanged a look.

"Sure." Julie said. Soon they were at a small bar. Julie spoke up. "I'm going to go get your stuff, Sandy. Is there anything special you need?"

His mind shouted the truth of what he needed, what he couldn't have, what he wasn't going to get it. So he just shook his head 'no.' Julie drove away and Sandy and Jimmy entered the bar. They sat and Sandy ordered a shot of tequila. Jimmy didn't get anything, just in case Julie got something. Someone had to drive. Sandy got his and flung his head back taking in the liquid. It burned his throat. He actually hated tequila, the way it tasted, its color, its burn. That's what made it perfect. Jimmy watched him take two more shots.

"You know, Jimmy." Sandy began, already feeling the alcohol's effect. "I always figured when she," He paused, not wanting to say it, "left, I would be able to let my frustrations out at the beach." He looked at Jimmy, who didn't say anything. Not knowing what to say. "Guess that's screwed." Sandy said as he took another shot. "We were at my favorite place, too." He added sadly. Jimmy still wasn't sure what to say so he sat there while Sandy played with the shot glass.

OoOoO

Julie slowly entered the Cohen house. She walked into the foyer and looked around. Everything was so calm, not at all mimicking what was really going on. That's when Julie realized that this house would never be the same. Nothing… would be the same. Julie's only real friend was gone. Her best friend. She walked further in and started toward the bedroom. She walked slowly through the door. She gasped inwardly. Kirsten's clothes still draped on the bed where she had tossed them while getting ready for her family night. Julie sat on the bed and gathered Kirsten's little shirt. Julie had always been envious of Kirsten's figure. She had even mentioned it that morning.

"**_Sorry I'm late, Kirsten."_**

"**_It's okay." Kirsten said, working at her computer._**

"**_Brought ya coffee." _**

"**_Now it's very okay!" Kirsten said enthusiastic. _**

"**_Oh my gosh!" Julie exclaimed._**

"**_What! Oh gosh! Is it a spider!" Kirsten asked, jumping from her chair._**

"**_No! Your shirt. I saw it in a window at a store and thought to myself how great you would look in it. And you do."_**

"**_Thanks Julie. For the compliment, NOT for scaring me!" Kirsten laughed as she sat back down, redirecting her interest to the computer screen. _**

"**_I always thought you had the perfect figure." Julie added. "No wonder Sandy loves you."_**

_**Kirsten gave her a sideward glance.**_

"**_Only kidding. Although it is a reason. Jeez. There are like a thousand more." Julie rattled off. She had Kirsten's attention. "Like the way your hair bounces when you walk, the way you talk when you get angry, and more intimate things that I never wanted to actually hear."_**

"**_Julie, if I didn't know you I would think that you are a stalker. Observant much?" Kirsten joked._**

"**_Oh, I never told you."_**

"**_Told me what?" Kirsten asked, warily._**

"**_When you were in rehab, Sandy was so lonely that he was telling me stuff. Mostly stuff about how much he missed you and loved you soooo much." _**

_**Kirsten blushed but wasn't sure what to say. "And what did you do with him?" **_

"**_Told him to quit moping and get a hobby." Julie said, without too much interest._**

"**_Julie!" Kirsten exclaimed._**

"**_I'm kidding. I listened to him and reassured him that you loved him just as much as he did."_**

Julie held Kirsten's shirt to her tightly and smiled slightly at the memory. Her last memory of Kirsten. She bit her lip as she cried. She tried to set her mind straight. She looked in the closet and found a duffel bag and stuffed some of Sandy's clothes inside of it. Then she searched under the sink and found a small bag for toiletries. She put Sandy's razor in it. She grabbed his toothbrush and toothpaste and placed them in the bag as well. She put that in the duffel. She looked back to the bed. Julie knew she had to do something with Kirsten's clothes. Sandy would have a breakdown when he saw them, not that he wouldn't anyway from anything. She took them to the laundry room and started a load. That's when she realized how much she was about to take on. She was going to be there for the Cohen's. She was going to look over them for Kirsten. She grabbed the bag and headed back to the bar.

OoOoO

Sandy had already vomited, twice. Tequila always did that to him quickly. That plus his emotional overload. Jimmy took him outside for fresh air and to wait for Julie. Sandy wondered over to a bench and slouched down on it. He put his head to the wall and closed his eyes. He could hear the crash of the waves. Somehow he had managed to forget that the bar was beach side. Something in his brain clicked. He got up and looked towards it. It was rather secluded. Sandy drunkenly ran toward the ocean. Jimmy ran after him calling his name. Sandy fell to his knees into the sand just out of reach of the waves. Tears slid down his cheeks. His hands gripped the sand, rubbing his knuckles raw. He yelled furiously at the ocean.

"It's not fair. Give her back." He wailed. His voice quieted. "I'm not through with her." His voice turned to a whisper. "I need her." He quit moving and sobbed.

Jimmy kneeled down beside him. "Julie's here." He said softly. "C'mon." He stood and offered his hand to Sandy, who took it. They walked back to the car. Sandy returned to the back seat and put his head against the window. The car was silent all the way to the house, except for any of the three sniffling occasionally.

OoOoO

Caleb sat in his study. He had been there since he had found out. His baby girl, his darling angel. Gone. It just wasn't right. A flash of memories had come flying back to him. When he first heard she was going to be born, seeing her on the ultrasound, holding her for the first time, her first steps, first words, first time at school. He remembered how he was so nervous and she told him to relax that she was going to be fine. When she lost her first tooth, her first date, Cotillion, her graduations. Tears flooded down and hit his desk. He grabbed some Scotch and downed it. His eyes fell on his pool table. He remembered when he had tried to teach her to play.

_**It had been a long day and he decided to ease his mind with a game of pool. In bounced his gorgeous five-year-old girl. Her little golden curls bouncing as she skipped. **_

"**_Hey Daddy!" She squealed._**

"**_Hey KiKi." He mumbled, concentrating on his shot. The pool stick struck the cue ball. It hit the three ball but the cue ball fell in the pocket. He looked back discouraged. _**

"**_Daddy?" Kirsten asked._**

"**_Yes, angel." He asked, still not paying full attention._**

"**_Is that a goal or a touchdown?" She asked, confused._**

_**Caleb laughed and picked her up. "Wrong sport on both accounts. That would be a scratch, darling."**_

"**_Oh. Well good scratch, Daddy!" She put her hand up for a high five. "I've never seen a better one in my little life." Caleb laughed and gave his daughter five then kissed her on her cheek. _**

"**_Daddy?" Kirsten asked._**

"**_Hmm?" He said._**

"**_Could you teach me to scratch?" Kirsten asked, eagerly. _**

"**_I can teach you to play pool but, sweetie, a scratch is bad." Caleb answered._**

"**_But you're so good at it." Kirsten said, slightly confused._**

_**Caleb laughed, "True." With her still in his arms, he got a small stool for her to stand on. He got the cue ball out of the pocket and set it up for an easy shot. He grabbed the pool stick and set it in her small hands comfortably. "Okay. Just hit the white ball and make it hit that blue one." **_

"'**_Kay Daddy." Kirsten answered. She stuck her tongue out in concentration. She hit the cue ball but it didn't hit the blue ball. It did, however, bounce up and hit an empty vase, shattering it into a million pieces. She stared at it wide eyed._**

"**_JEEZ!" Caleb yelled, startled yet amazed at how badly she had missed. She began to cry, expecting a very hard spanking. However, Caleb was laughing. Her mom came running into the room._**

"**_What on earth happened in here?" She asked._**

"**_Pool." Caleb stated. "She was trying to hit the blue ball but instead hit the vase."_**

"**_That's one large miss there baby." Her mom stated. Silent tears were still streaming down Kirsten's face. The timer went off for the oven. "I've got to go get the turkey. Caleb. Glass. Clean it up." She said, smiling._**

"**_Darling, it was only an accident. C'mon stop crying." Caleb said as he wiped away her tears. "Let's try again."_**

_**He set it up again. This time holding her hands. The pool stick hit the cue ball and made the blue ball go in. Kirsten hollered and threw her hands over her dad's neck.**_

"**_Thank you, Daddy!" She squealed. _**

"**_Good job, KiKi. But I do think you should only play pool when I'm with you." Caleb stated._**

"**_No problem, Daddy." She said._**

"**_That's my girl." Caleb said. He kissed her cheek and picked her up taking her to the door, making sure she wouldn't have any chance to step on the glass. "Now go get ready for dinner while I clean this up."_**

"'**_Kay Daddy. Lu' you!" Kirsten called as she ran up the stairs to her room._**

"**_Love you, too." Caleb shouted, and then turned his attention back to the shattered glass._**

Caleb didn't realize that he had grabbed the pool stick until he had broken it against the pool table. He was crying. He slid down the pool table and sat on the floor. His head in his hands. His little girl was dead and he blamed Sandy.

OoOoO

They finally got to the Nichol residence. Sandy grabbed his bag and slowly got out of the car. They walked in. He had forgotten how big the place actually was.

"You have your pick of the rooms upstairs. I'm not sure what room the boys are in." Julie stated.

"Okay." Sandy said weekly. He began to walk up the stairs. "And Julie?" She turned around.

"Mmhmm?" She asked.

"Thank you." He said solemnly.

"It's no problem, Sandy. Do you need anything?" Julie asked.

"No I've got everything that I need. For now." _Well not everything. _He walked up the steps. He saw one door open. There sat Ryan and Seth. Sandy walked in, knocking faintly on the door. "Hey." He said.

"Hey Dad." Seth answered. Ryan barely looked up.

"Where are the girls?" Sandy asked.

"Trying to get us to eat. I think they said something about making bagels." Ryan said.

"They're smart. Where's Caleb?"

"Grandpa locked himself in his study."

"He's probably pretty upset." Sandy said.

"He busted something a little while ago." Ryan added.

"So what have you guys been doing?" Sandy asked quietly.

"Nothing. Just talking." Seth answered.

Sandy nodded. "And how are you holding up?" He asked while looking back and forth at Seth and Ryan.

"Not good." Seth answered. "I just have all these questions. And I don't understand any of this."

"C'mere." Sandy said as he pulled Seth into a hug. "It's going to be okay." Sandy said, out of habit.

"How?" Seth pulled away suddenly. "How the hell can this be okay? My mom is gone! I mean how could this have happened?"

"Seth…" Sandy warned.

"Why did this happen?" Seth continued.

"Seth…" Sandy tried to stay calm and patient.

"I mean, who was that guy?" Seth yelled.

"Seth!" Ryan chimed in.

"Why did this happen!" Seth yelled.

"IT'S MY FAULT! OKAY? He was my client, I failed to get him acquitted, and he came back for revenge, was going to shoot me, and your mother jumped in front of my bullet! MINE MINE ME ME ME!" Sandy yelled. It was the first time he had said it out loud. "It was my fault." He said weakly. He hung his head in shame. He got up from the floor and walked out the door.

Ryan and Seth sat there. Not knowing what just happened. Well knowing but not comprehending.

"Wow." Seth finally spoke.

"He's got a heavy load on his shoulders." Ryan said.

"How do you think he's going to do? With her gone?" Seth questioned.

"I'm not sure. Pretty intensely, probably." Ryan guessed. "I mean, she was his best friend. That would be like both me and Summer leaving that one summer."

"Wow. That's intense." Seth whispered.

"Yeah." Ryan answered.

"I wish I hadn't done that." Seth whispered ashamed.

"Me too. I've never seen him that angry."

"Me neither." Seth admitted.

OoOoO

Sandy walked into the bathroom. He flicked on the shower head. He started to get out of his clothes. He hadn't even remembered that he was still in his suit. He looked down at his white shirt, stained with blood. Her blood. His last part of her. He didn't know how he was supposed to feel. Disturbed that he was covered with blood or clutch to it because it was her blood. He couldn't think of anything right now. He was thinking of her. He got into the shower, letting the hot water beat down on his back. He looked down at his hands. They had faint blood stains. It was mostly on his fingers. He turned and held them in the water. He watched the water steal the blood away from his fingers. He was so exhausted. He washed and exited the shower. He threw on some boxers and a t-shirt. He pulled out the toiletry bag and grabbed the toothbrush and toothpaste out of it. He smiled. He loved her toothpaste. She was very obsessive compulsive when it came to her toothpaste. And he loved driving her crazy with it.

_**Kirsten spit into the sink and grabbed the Listerine. She gargled and spit. She opened her mouth largely and kept her teeth together. Judging her teeth in the mirror. When she was satisfied, she smiled to the mirror and walked out of the bathroom. She was now completely ready for bed. She slumped. Sandy was still working. She put on her robe and went to find him. She walked into his office. He was sitting with paperwork surrounding him. She went over to him. **_

"**_Hey baby." Sandy said without looking up from the paper._**

"**_Hey." She replied. A few minutes passed by._**

"**_Watcha need?" He asked, still not looking up._**

"**_Come to bed." She pleaded. Her face close to his. He smiled, she smelled like toothpaste. When he didn't move, she took his face in her hands and pushed her lips to his. He deepened their kiss and made sure she could taste the coffee he had earlier. She did and grimaced at the taste. It was definitely not a good mixture. She tried to pull away but he had a hold of the back of her neck and made her stay. She was whimpering her disapproval. Finally, Sandy couldn't hold it any longer and laughed losing control of her._**

_**She whipped her head back, a look of disgust on her face. "Sandy!"**_

"**_What!" He asked innocently. "You don't want to kiss me?" He laughed, feigning insult._**

"**_Not when you taste like THAT!" Kirsten exclaimed as she pushed his face farther away gently. "Now I have to go brush my teeth again!"_**

"**_No you don't!" Sandy said._**

"**_You know I DO and that's why you did it."_**

"**_Guilty." Sandy laughed._**

"**_I hope you're satisfied." She said as she trekked back to their bathroom._**

"**_I am." Sandy said as he watched her leave. Watching the way her body moved when she was angry. He tried to get back to work. It was no use. She was in his mind now. He got up and went into their bedroom. _**

_**Kirsten was already in bed, asleep. He smiled maybe he could do it again. He went over to her. He didn't want to scare her so his first kiss was faint. He could feel Kirsten smile. He pushed his lips to hers a little harder this time. She clamped them down shut. Sandy groaned slightly defeated. He was stronger than her though. He tried again. They weren't budging. Kirsten was laughing and still managing to keep her lips closed. Sandy quit not daring to hurt her. He stood straight up. He looked at her and sighed defeated. She looked at him and simply pointed in the direction of the bathroom.**_

_**He went in and brushed his teeth. He went into their bedroom. Kirsten was watching him. He smiled a wide smile to show her his clean teeth. She smiled. He got into his side of the bed. He wrapped his arms around her, her back to his chest.**_

"**_Can I kiss you now?" He asked, impatiently._**

"**_Blow." She said._**

_**He gave her an are-you-crazy look and then consented, cautiously. He blew a tiny amount of air out of a small opening in his lips. She smiled, victoriously. **_

"**_Minty fresh!" She exclaimed._**

"**_Yes, NOW can I kiss MY WIFE?" He asked, being overdramatic. _**

"**_MmHm!" Kirsten answered shaking her head up and down. They kissed deeply. "That's so much better." She said. Sandy smiled before finding her lips again. She kissed him back but then put her hands to his face and gently pushed him away._**

"**_What now?" Sandy wailed._**

_**Kirsten reached up and turned her bedside lamp off. She laid back down and pulled Sandy on top of her, finding his lips with hers. **_

"**_Mm! Much better!" Sandy moaned._**

Sandy smiled at the memory while he brushed his teeth. A few tears escaped for the end of their silly games. He was going to miss them. He was going to miss her. He went into the bedroom. He put his dirty suit on a chair and threw his duffel bag on the floor. He fell onto the bed. His mind, heart, and body was exhausted. The worst part was he knew it wasn't going to get better. He let the exhaustion over take him and he went to sleep.

_**The gun**_

_**BANG**_

_**Her eyes full of pain and love, no regret**_

"**_Take care of Sandy"_**

"**_I'm going to miss you"_**

"**_Take care of our boys."_**

"**_I love you more."_**

Sandy jerked awake. His heart racing. His breathing uneven. He wanted to scream. He looked over at the clock; 3:42. He wanted to die. He laid back down and cried. He was going to have to live without her. He was going to have to bury her, read her will, comfort the boys, which he had no idea how to do and it hadn't gone to well last time he had tried it. He was going to have to wake up without her, go through the day without hearing, seeing, or touching her. Whenever he used to think about it all he had to do was find her and kiss her. Her presence telling him everything would be okay. Now it was reality and he couldn't do that. He tried to go back to bed. It wasn't much of use. His mind would jerk him awake when he started to doze. Not wanting to have another dream about her. Not yet anyway.

Around 6 he gave up trying to go to bed and just laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. A few tears escaping here and there while his brain unconsciously went through all the things he was going to miss about her. His body was tired of it and so was his soul but his brain wouldn't stop. So Sandy laid there and cried in self pity while all the memories of their life flooded back. Around 9 he heard a knock on the door.

"Come in." Sandy said wearily. He figured it was someone forcing him to eat. Ryan and Seth came in, sheepishly.

"Julie said that she was going to take our suits to the dry cleaners so I came to get yours." Ryan stated quietly.

"Okay." Sandy said as he got up. "It's on the chair."

Ryan grabbed it and started to pull Sandy's things out of it. His wallet and keys. Ryan checked the jacket and felt something hard inside of it. He pulled out a small velvet box. He looked down at it confused. Sandy went over to him. He took it from Ryan's hand and opened it.

"Wow." Seth finally said. He and Ryan were staring open mouthed at the beautiful diamond ring inside.

"This is the one she always was eyeing before we got married. I wanted to give it to her then but I couldn't afford it. So when we were first married anything I could save without her realizing was going toward this. But then Seth was born and priorities changed."

"Hey. I can't be blamed for things that were done before I was born." Seth said defensively.

Sandy laughed a real laugh. He then looked solemnly at the ring. "I had you boys leave so I could propose again." A few tears burned Sandy's cheeks.

"I'm so sorry, Dad." Seth said as he put a hand on his father's shoulder. Sandy looked up into his eyes.

"I'm going to take this down to Julie." Ryan said quietly. According to plan, Ryan left Seth and Sandy alone. They sat side by side on the bed.

"Listen Dad. I'm sorry about last night. I should've just shut up." Seth said shaking his head.

"It's okay, son. I should have realized that you and Ryan didn't know anything and were rightfully curious." Sandy said.

"I didn't realize how much guilt you were carrying." Seth paused. "But I really don't think this is your fault."

"Well that's comforting son but…" Sandy said, unsure how to continue.

"So what do we do now?" Seth asked. "I mean how do we go on without her?"

"I don't know."

Seth put his head in his hands. "I love her so much." He cried. Sandy wrapped his arms around his son.

"I do too. I mean not only is she my wife but she's my best friend." Sandy whimpered as he cried. "When we moved back when your grandmother got sick, she was my only friend."

"It's just…" Seth was shaking. "I'm going to miss her so much." He said as he threw his head into his dad's chest.

"Me too, buddy." Sandy said, as he looked toward the ceiling. "Me too."

_When I woke up  
The rain was pouring down  
There were people standing all around  
Something warm falling into my eyes  
But some how I found my baby that night  
I lifted her head  
she looked at me and said  
Hold me darling just a little while  
I held her close  
I kissed her our last kiss  
I found the love I knew I had missed  
but now she's gone  
even though I hold her tight  
I lost my love, my life that night_

_Last Kiss- Pearl Jam_


	7. Aftermath

**_Sorry it's been so long. Please tell me what you think._**

_You know I can't smile without you  
I can't smile without you  
I can't laugh and I can't sing  
I'm finding it hard to do anything  
You see I feel sad when you're sad  
I feel glad when you're glad  
If you only knew what I'm going through  
I just can't smile without you --- Can't Smile Without You by Barry Manilow_

OoOoO

Jimmy was driving the car to the Cohen house. He and Julie rode in silence. Once they entered, the silence was finally broken.

"I can't believe this." Julie whispered.

"Me neither." Jimmy added. Both had their heads down in sadness. Julie suddenly put her head in her hands and cried. Jimmy came beside her and wrapped his arm around her.

"It'll be okay. We'll find a way to make it through this." Jimmy consoled. Julie's crying soon turned to sniffling and she pulled her head up. Jimmy let his arm fall down against his own body. "I guess I'll take the kitchen for the time being." He offered.

"I'll finish the laundry I started." Julie sniffled. Once the clothes were folded, she took them to the rooms they belong to. Some things she had to guess on but she tried her best. She took Kirsten and Sandy's clothes to their room and did the best she could in putting them away.

She wished she could do more but she didn't know what to do. She considered taking some pictures down but Sandy might want them up. She could get rid of Kirsten's stuff but Kirsten couldn't just be erased with one motion. Julie felt completely helpless and out of control. Just then her cell rang. Caller ID said "Marissa." She picked up and listened to her daughter's panicked voice. Once she hung up she ran down the stairs.

"We've got to go." Julie yelled urgently from the door to Jimmy. He had finished the dishes and had begun sorting the mail.

"What's wrong?" Jimmy asked but Julie was already in the car ready to drive. Jimmy jumped in and they sped off.

OoOoO

Sandy had finally come down to eat something, figuring that it would cause less worry if he did it willingly. However he wasn't hungry at all. He rummaged through the fridge and just decided to go with a simple bagel. He made it and ate in complete silence. He realized that he wasn't sure where the kids were. _Father and husband of the year award right there. _He sarcastically told himself. Caleb walked into the kitchen. His eyes were more sunken in than usual. Caleb got himself a bagel as well and sat down next to Sandy. They continued to eat in silence. After they were through they continued to sit there. Sandy stared down at the napkin that his bagel had been on while Caleb stared ahead.

"Sandy." He said croakily.

"Yeah?" Sandy answered quietly.

"What happened?" Caleb asked. Sandy sighed, not wanting to retell it again. "Tell me." Sandy realized Caleb did have a right to know. As Sandy told the story, they kept their same positions, neither looking at the other.

"And this guy I couldn't get clear was going to shoot me, but Kirsten… she…" Sandy took a deep breath and released it. "She jumped in front of it… and…" Sandy couldn't finish. Caleb had punched him in the jaw sending him and the stool he was sitting on falling to the ground. A loud noise sounded through the mansion. Soon the four teenagers were in the kitchen looking at Sandy on the ground. He grabbed his jaw while Caleb stood glaring at him. Marissa called her mom, letting her in on what she knew so far. Julie wasn't stupid and had formulated an idea for what had happened.

Caleb began to yell. "So this is your fault!" He yelled accusingly. "It's YOUR fault my daughter's dead!" Sandy began getting himself up but said nothing. "SAY SOMETHING." Caleb yelled.

"What do you want me to say?" Sandy asked quietly. Caleb was dumbfounded. Why wasn't his son-in-law arguing with him? This didn't make sense. Of course, lately nothing made sense. Just then Julie came running in, followed by Jimmy.

"You always want to argue with me. What's so different this time?" Caleb roared.

"This time you're right." Sandy said quietly.

"Sandy. You can't believe that." Ryan said.

"I do. If I had never been with her she'd still be alive. The world would still have its most prized possession." Sandy said quietly. "Everyone was right. I shouldn't have been with her."

"Dad!" Seth shrieked in disbelief.

"Everybody knew you didn't deserve her." Caleb stated.

"Cal!" Julie scolded. "Don't…"

"No, Julie. He's right. She would have been safer with Jimmy or…" _Carter. _His mind told him, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. "Somebody else." He stated sadly. "But no one could have loved her more than me." He whispered.

"You sure didn't prove that. Letting her get shot like that." Caleb accused again.

"Gramps!" Seth exclaimed. Sandy stood there with his head down. He was on the verge of punching Caleb in the jaw. How could he say that? Surely he didn't believe it. Sandy knew he couldn't punch him. That would disappoint her too much. The anger was still boiling inside of him, though. He gave Caleb one last glare before he swung the glass door leading to the backyard open and slammed it shut, leaving a big crack up the middle.

Everyone was left speechless by the display of anger Sandy had just shown.

"That was really uncalled for Cal." Julie reprimanded.

OoOoO

_You're tearing me apart  
Crushing me inside  
You used to lift me up  
Now you get me down_

Sandy stalked off and stood by the bushes and looked over the ocean. What was the point anymore? What reason was there to fight with her father? Now there was no proving to Caleb that Sandy was worthy of his daughter's affection. He was right. Sandy blamed himself for her being gone. Partly because he just needed someone or something to blame and it's more polite to blame yourself.

He heard the door swing open and slowly shut. He figured it was Jimmy or Julie or even one of his sons. He was extremely surprised when he heard the familiar low rumbling of Caleb's voice. The phrase that exuded from his mouth was one Sandy thought Caleb could never--- would never say.

"I'm sorry, Sandy."

"What?"

"You didn't hear me? Or do you just like hearing me say it?"

"No; it's just I never thought I'd hear you say it." Sandy replied solemnly. Caleb was again struck with the realization of how hard Sandy was taking this. If he wouldn't even jump at their somewhat inside joke.

"Well what I said in there was really… wrong. I shouldn't have said it." He paused. "Sandy, I know that no one could have loved KiKi as much as you." He let that sink in before continuing. "You deserve her. All that you put up with to be with her. We were all wrong about you." Caleb finished in a whisper.

Sandy realized how much it took for his father-in-law to tell him this. "Thanks, Cal."

"Yeah. Well, if you tell anyone what I said, I'll just deny it." He said, his stone cold humor evident.

"Wouldn't expect anything less."

Sandy and Caleb looked over the ocean and thought about their loss. The Husband and The Father with their heads slightly down. Wind blowing against them. Both had their jaws clenched and hands in pockets. Their eyes were downcast.

"This is what she always wanted."

"What?" Caleb asked quietly, perplexed, thinking Sandy was referring to her passing.

"Us to get along." Sandy said. "Why does it take a situation like this to fulfill her wish?"

"I don't know." Caleb shrugged.

"Me neither."

The two men stood silently for a few moments before Caleb decided to go inside, leaving Sandy to his thoughts.

He looked up toward the sky wondering if she was watching him. He missed her so much already. He hated imagining how long he might have to wait to see her again. He wanted so much to hold her again. The tears slowly made their way down his cheeks. The wind engulfed him again, making his tears dry quickly. He slowly made his way back to the house. He was grateful that everyone was keeping their distance from him. He really didn't want to talk to anyone about 'how he felt' or whatever. He figured they could probably piece together how he felt.

_Without your love  
You're tearing me apart_

He grabbed a beer from the fridge and went back up to his room. He opened it and took a large swig of it and got his phone. Numbly, he pressed the buttons and put the phone to his ear. He sighed as he listened to it ring. This was a call he had hoped to never have to make. After a few rings an unfamiliar voice answered. Sandy cleared his throat.

"Is Hailey Nichol there?" The voice yelled for Hailey and Sandy waited on the other end, occasionally drinking some of his beer.

"Hello?"

"Hailey?" He asked just to make sure.

"Yes. Who's this?"

"Oh sorry. It's Sandy."

"Oh hey. I didn't recognize your voice. You must have a cold. What's going on in ol' Newport? I'm so excited about nephew Seth and nephew Ryan graduating. I can't wait to see all of you guys. How is Kirsten doing with all this? Probably crying everyday, huh? My babies are growing up." Hailey gave a laugh, mocking a phone call she had gotten a few weeks earlier. Kirsten had called her to make sure that she was going to be there for graduation.

As Hailey came to a stop, Sandy wasn't able to find the words to continue. The silence continued as he searched for the right way to deliver the news.

"Sandy?" Hailey asked afraid that she had dropped the call.

"I'm here." He practically whispered.

"What is it?" She asked, Sandy's tone forcing her to panic. "Is it dad? Or the boys? Or Kirsten? Ooh. Is it Julie Cooper?" Hailey asked frantically, not-so-secretly hoping it was the last possibility. "Well if it was Julie you would have sounded just as happy as I did. So what is it?"

"It's Kirsten." Sandy stated simply.

"What? Is she sick? She'll be ok though, right?" Unsatisfied with the silence she persisted. "What's wrong?" With Sandy continued silence, her heart began to beat wildly and she was sweating slightly. Her voice turned childlike. "Sandy. You're scaring me."

Sandy whipped a hand over his face catching a few tears. "She's gone."

"Oh my… Are you serious?" Hailey asked quietly, silently praying that he was kidding. If he was she was going to kick his tail when she got there for graduation.

"Yeah." Hailey's heart dropped as he confirmed the worst.

"I'll be on the next flight out." Hailey managed to say. Sandy heard her hang up and after a few seconds he followed suit.

He finished his beer and punched in a different set of numbers. He listened half heartedly as it rang. He heard the familiar voice answer in the familiar way.

"Hey Ma." He paused. "It's Sandy." He added for clarity.

"I know who it is. I'm surprised that you know who I am though since you never seem to call anymore."

"Sorry about that. I'll try harder."

"No need to be sarcastic. I was simply kidding with you."

"I'm not being sarcastic." Sandy said, slightly annoyed.

"Your voice sure sounds sarcastic. Or sad. Sandy. What's happened? Are the boys okay? Are you okay?" Sophie said as she pieced things together.

"No, we're not okay." Sandy said sadly. "It's Kirsten."

"What did she do to you? Has she cheated on you? So help me…"

"No, she's gone."

"Like just packed up and ran? I told you she could never appreciate you. She's just…"

"No! She's gone." Sandy said again this time with more emphasis. "Like not on this earth- gone."

"Oh." She paused. "You mean, she's dead?" Sophie said, trying to sound sympathetic. However it came out more blunt than sad.

Sandy closed his eyes and clenched his fist. "Look. I just thought maybe you would come out here. I know you never really liked her and I'm not asking you to. I just…" He paused and took a breath. "I just really need my mom." He bit his lip as he finished.

"I'll be there as soon as I can." Sophie said taken aback at his tone. Her son was never this quiet. His voice sounded completely hopeless.

"Thank you." There was a silence, neither of them knowing where to go, what to say. "I love you." He whispered. "Bye." He heard her repeat his words and he hung up.

He went down to the kitchen and grabbed another drink. He thought about his next move. He decided it was now or never. Actually he would have preferred never but never, unfortunately, wasn't an actually option. He went to find Julie. He found her outside of Caleb's study. She was trying to get him to talk or get him to eat. She just wanted him to do something.

Sandy waited until she was done before he talked to her.

"Won't come out?" Sandy asked.

"Nope and he locked the door. All he's requested is a power bar be slid under the door." Julie said exasperated as they walked together.

Sandy snorted out a chuckle. "Kirsten did that last Chrismukkah when Caleb unveiled that Lindsay was his daughter."

Julie smiled slightly. "How'd you get her out?"

"Actually Ryan got her out. But I don't think that would work here."

"Probably not."

"He'll come out eventually. He has too." Sandy paused. "I was going to ask you a favor."

"Shoot." Julie said as they got to the kitchen.

"Will you take me to my house?" Sandy asked quietly.

Julie stopped what she was doing and looked at him. "Sandy. You can't be ready for that. No one is pressuring you to do this. You don't have to. We can wait."

"I'm going to have to do it eventually. Plus, I don't want the boys getting restless and going there before me."

"Okay. If it's what _you_ want."

"Thanks Julie."

"Let me get my purse and then we can go."

As Julie went to get her things, she found Jimmy talking to Marissa. She asked him to accompany her to the Cohen house, for back up. The trio rode in silence. Sandy sat in the passenger seat this time. He stared out the window, not knowing exactly what he was planning to do once he got to the house. Just knowing that he had to. They pulled up and Sandy unbuckled his seatbelt. Jimmy and Julie stayed completely motionless.

"You can come in if you want to." Sandy said.

"You need to be alone. We understand that. We'll come in later." Jimmy said.

"Thanks." Sandy said as he opened the door and got out. He got to the door and put the key in. He twisted the key until he heard the bolt move. He took a deep breath and gripped the handle. He pushed the door open and stepped inside. He closed it and like regular put his keys on the table in the foyer. He walked to the steps taking you into the living room. He surveyed the house. It didn't look different but boy did it feel different. He listened to the silence and it chilled his bones. He had always had a thing about too much alone time and it had always bothered him when the house was quiet during the daytime. It was always loud when he was home. Seth and Ryan were playing video games or had the girls over. Whenever they weren't home he was making use of his time alone with his wife. Occasionally he might come home during the day on an errand when no one else was home. The silence always sent chills up his spine. There was something eerie about it.

He went to the kitchen and searched the refrigerator, needing a drink. He searched for a good while before he remembered that there wasn't any alcohol in the house. Of course there wasn't any alcohol, his wife had been to rehab. He could really use a drink right now. He rushed to the bar and searched through everything, hoping something had somehow been left. He came up empty handed and groaned in frustration.

_Without your love  
I'm dazed in madness_

"Can't I get a break?" He yelled as he clenched his fists. He swung his arm toward the shelf and cleared half of it. He watched as the glass shattered on the floor and he felt a little relief. Was this what he was going to become? Was he turning back into the old Sandy? Bronx-mad-at-the-world Sandy. The Sandy Kirsten had been able to change. The Sandy her love had changed. At this point he didn't care if he was changing back.

He walked away from the bar, leaving the mess. He walked toward the room. He wasn't sure what he was expecting or hoping for. Technically he hoped she was in their room ready to tell him that it was all a cruel prank. There to pull him into her arms and let him cry and tell her how terrible it was, having to live for that short time thinking she was gone. He knew he wasn't going to find her but he still had that little spark inside of him hoping for it to be so. That spark of hope that everything would be completely fine used to be bigger and was something that Kirsten had admired in Sandy. He knew it. He also knew that she had made it possible. He knew that she had taken him and his lack of trust, his fear of love, his fear of being let down yet again, and she had made it so he could trust, he could love, and she gave him the hope that he would never be let that far down again. But with her untimely departure she took all of that back. She left hurt, volatile, fearful, hopeless Sandy by himself.

Sandy took another deep breath and walked cautiously into his bedroom. He noticed her clothes on the bed. Then he heard shuffling in the closet and then he saw what was making the mystery sound. She walked out of the closet and went toward the bed to put the clothes away. Sandy's heart jumped into his throat and his stomach didn't feel intact anymore. Could it really be? He walked slowly toward her. She was sorting her clothes out. He remembered when he would observe her from the doorframe occasionally, watching the way she moved. He remembered her natural beauty and how she could exert it to its highest even when she wasn't trying. He moved closer and he could smell her. It was real. She was real. He was behind her as she turned around and Sandy could see directly into her eyes but hers didn't meet his. She was holding her shirts that needed to be put into the drawer and as her 'body' collided with his, she dissipated into the air. Sandy shut his eyes and a few tears ran down his face. His mind had played a trick on him. She wasn't real. She was really gone.

Sandy sat on the bed next to the folded clothes. He picked up one of her shirts and held it up as if someone was going to wear it. He remembered the day that week when she had worn it. The poor flimsy garment was lucky to still be sewn together and not ripped apart. It had fared better than some of Kirsten's other tight shirts. She was getting slightly frustrated at him for almost always ripping her shirts in the heat of passion but he had his ways of making it up to her.

Sandy smiled at the recent memory. He already missed her so much that it was almost unbearable. How was he going to go on without her? He didn't think he had the will to. He knew he didn't want to. He sank to the floor beside the bed with the shirt still in his hands. He pulled his knees up to his chest and clutched her shirt tightly to his body. His head hung down and his eyes were closed. Tears escaped his tightly shut eyelids as he inhaled the scent of their laundry detergent. As he felt the material on his skin, he was reminded of all the times they had hugged and how much he missed the feeling of her smaller body against his. At this moment, he would give anything to hold her. His grip increased on the fabric in his hands as he tried to get relief from it. He hugged it to his body and tried to wring comfort that only one person could give. As he admitted failure, his hold became loose and he instead cradled the shirt and stared at it, looking at the tear stains he had left. Never before had he felt so alone.

_Can't lose this sadness  
I can't lose this sadness_

Julie slowly entered the Cohen's bedroom with Jimmy right behind her. Her heart sank as she took in the image before her. Sandy cradling Kirsten's shirt with tears leaking from his eyes. She cursed herself for forgetting to put up the clothes. Sandy realized that he wasn't alone and looked up into Julie's eyes. She could see the pain and desperation inside Sandy's blue eyes. Accompanying the two were also fear and sadness. He diverted his eyes slowly to the floor and then back to the shirt in his hands. Julie came up beside him, sat down on the bed, and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Julie?" His raspy voice spoke up as he lifted his head and stared straight ahead finding a spot on the wall.

"Yeah?"

"Can… can you do me another favor?" He stammered.

"What's that?"

He took a deep breath. "Can you help me with the…" He didn't want to say it. "the…" He choked back the words and shut his eyes. "with the…" He bit his lip. "funeral…" He paused, just saying the word hurt. He was afraid to imagine what attending it would feel like. "…plans?" He finally finished, his gaze never leaving the spot.

"Of course, Sandy." Julie said sincerely.

"Thank you." He replied quietly. His gaze fell back to the shirt he was still clutching. His tears had finally stopped. He then looked ahead at the dresser. He slowly got up off the floor and placed the shirt back on the mattress. He then walked out the door, looking at nothing in particular. He said nothing and left Julie and Jimmy staring at each other, both confused. Neither knew where Sandy was going, if he wanted company. Julie finally decided that he needed to be supervised. Jimmy followed her out the bedroom and they went in search of Sandy.

They heard him in the kitchen and followed the sound. They entered and saw him rummaging through the fridge in hope of finding something his first search had missed. The best he could come up with was lemon extract which he decided would have to do. He unscrewed it and drank some of it. It tasted horrible, burned his throat, and made his stomach muscles clench. He guessed that was what he had wanted.

"I guess you're looking for alcohol?" Jimmy broke the silence.

"Yeah." Sandy said defeated but suddenly his tone changed. "Didn't find any." His voice had a sarcastic tone to it which was nothing out of the ordinary. But this time there was a cold, icy bite in his words. He walked over to the sink and stared out the window. Jimmy and Julie walked over to the bar to make sure Sandy's search had been thorough. They both could use a drink as well. They then came across the catastrophe of glass that Sandy had caused. Julie looked to Jimmy, frightened.

"Umm Sandy? Did you do this?" Jimmy asked.

They could hear Sandy snort in laughter before he spoke. "If you're talking about the glass, then yes."

Jimmy and Julie exchanged identical looks. Both frightened of the change in Sandy. This was a Sandy they had never seen. The Sandy they knew had been refined. They weren't sure what they were going to do with him. Or what he was going to do with himself.

_It's ripping me apart  
It's tearing me apart--- Again by Archive_


End file.
